It is not so very often that I find
myself worked into an unintended fervor, when the very scope of my being is
placed into such a perspective, and the meaning of my life revealed with such
clarity- but it happened tonight, and has been happening for some time now with
more frequent a reoccurrence. I
don’t know how to explain it, exactly.
It’s almost as if I find myself transported for a brief time. As if for no apparent reason at all, no
provocation, my sensibilities begin to shift. It begins with a laugh, no maybe an internal one- a
smile. It doesn’t matter whether
or not the energy that preceded it was of a positive nature or injurious to my
energetic consistency- in either respect I find myself increasingly aware of
the intention that comes before the shift, and I find that mindfulness most
invigorating and releasing. The
beauty lies in seeing either design as simple and perfect and exactly as it
should be. My aim is not to give
credence to the view that every event is preordained. In another way, my position- rather, the development of my
position during this “shift”- is simply that of relaxing into a state of deep
contentment. And that is the
initial phase.
Next, it’s as if my chest balloons
with a great expansiveness, as if it fills with the love of all the world. But it doesn’t create a tension. It’s almost as if you’re bleeding out,
or melting in with all this love.
The sensation is warm, it’s impressive, and it’s moving. It comes with an understanding that
within the depths of each and every one of us lies a profound rapture for all
things, for ourselves, for the blade of grass that blows in the westerly winds,
for the lone tree that sits atop a hill and never says a word- an admiration
for every experience that lies within the spectrum of our exposure. Compassion. This inspiration is accompanied by visual images, a more
universal receptiveness, and perhaps a considering that the slight urges
driving my body forth in this time and space once propelled me in another. And because this whole process is new,
I have an inquisitive mind. I
start wondering how the whole process began, the method of it’s unfolding. The brevity of the occurrence puzzles
me, and why I cannot choose to remain in such a heavenly state. But there is one style of feeling that
endures. Every time that I find
myself immersed by such a circumstance, I know that it is no accident. I know that with each subsequent
occurrence, the one that follows will be even easier to prompt. And then, I know that these shifts will
have made such an impression on my heart that there is no going back; there is
no returning. The sway from such a
love will have reached a critical point.
And while I know it will take some diligence to remain transfixed by
that love, the influence of that sway will remain with me forever.
And for the sake of this journaling
I’ll divulge specifics (also taking into account my declining stamina for this
craft)- that is, some personal realizations I had on this day. First is how profoundly I can read
someone’s intentions. That their
mere presence alters my body in such a way that I too feel their impulses. Not what their exact move may be, but
whether or not that move is driven with a good intention- whether or not their
heart is pure. And every once in a
while this sensation is joined by the representation of colors that flash
before my eyes- a divine collage that only my gut knowing can interpret. That is the best way I know how to
explain it. It is not an image;
rather a story being told about that person in the form of a painting which
actualizes before me. I have
always been somewhat more adeptly tuned into the minutia than anyone else I
have met in my life. I notice the
small ticks, the subtle noises that a person makes, the way they hold their eyes
or the rest of their body, the slight inflections of the voice, the tiny dirt
speck in the corner of a floor, the trail someone leaves behind whilst moving
through a room- my ability to notice the unnoticeable is an attribute I used to
hold with contempt. It used to
drive me mad that I could hear and see all of these things. I could not separate myself from them. I was (and possibly still am) not able
to view these happenings objectively.
My body actually transforms to accommodate the intentions of others and
the circumstances around me. If I
see someone holding tension in their body, I too hold that tension. But I am getting thicker skin. And what I once used to view as
obsessive or irrational is a skill that has its place in something more transcendent. That is the first realization.
Second, and lastly for the evening,
is my recognition of the universality of an urge. And I’ll keep this brief, for it is an idea relatively
premature and novel to me. But I
have an inkling that I have peered through the keyhole of time and laid my
sights on lifetimes that I have lived before. That all the likes and dislikes, and I mean to say the
passions truly, have come from a life that is currently not perceived to be my
own. Each and every time I find
myself pulled to feel a particular way, this too is accompanied by a visual
image- an old worn out mental memory too blurry, or not vivid enough to yet
make out. But there is a
perception deep within myself, a brilliant and sophisticated knowing, of an
energetic conduit that has passed from one lifetime to the next and now it has
found myself, here in this body, and that is all I can say. I have just scratched the surface. I dare say that there is still much
more exploring.
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